A few months ago I wrote in my private
journal about a really rough day that I had with my arthritis. I am always incredibly
hesitant to share so openly this type of thing, because I hate feeling that
perhaps people think I complain too much. Or that they think I should just
"suck it up" and get on with the day. So I keep a lot of the pain
buried down deep, reluctant to let on just how much I'm suffering some days.
I'm getting better at being more open about it and if you ask me to do
something that I know will just be too much for my body I will be upfront about
it. But I rarely get into the nitty gritty of it. Even with the most trusted
loved ones.
So this one time, I am going to hold my
head high and own it. I will put aside the fear that people think I'm just looking
for sympathy, and hope that those who read this will understand a little more
as to what it is a person with arthritis goes through on a somewhat regular
basis.
November 2011
I had a really, really, really bad day
today, joints-wise. So much so that I actually posted to facebook about it, which
I tend to normally shy away from doing. Sometimes I might make mention of my
arthritis getting me down but I always try to do it in a lighthearted way. There
was no lighthearted today... I just could not manage it. I woke up feel as
though I had been run over by a truck. And it didn't get much better as I stood
up and tried to get some mobility going. I cried while brushing my teeth,
squeezing the tube of toothpaste against the sink with my palm because I
couldn't use my fingers, and clumsily holding the toothbrush in the palm of my
hand with my thumb. I skipped the shower because I couldn't fathom stretching
my arms up high enough to wash my hair. I had to swap the shirt I originally
grabbed for a stretchier tank top, because I couldn't get the first one on due
to pain. I was a disaster this morning, on the brink of tears while getting
ready, occasionally releasing a sob every so often. But I couldn't full on cry
- I had to get to work! And nobody wants to go to work with a freshly cried face!
Bleh!
I think I drugged myself up well enough for
the morning but by mid-afternoon it started to go downhill again - and I was
too stupid to bring extra painkillers with me. Thankfully my boss came in for a
couple hours in the afternoon, after my other coworker had finished, because I
got slammed with about five people wanting to try on shoes all at the same
time. The timing was more perfect than I think he realized and that I was
willing to let on.
I haven't been hit like this in a very long
time. Where every joint aches. Where going to the washroom seems like the most
monumental task of getting down and back up again. Breathing becomes physically painful because my whole
body is so tense with pain that the muscles around my ribcage are tender.
It makes me wonder if I'm in the right job
right now. I mean, I definitely don't want to be in this job forever, but I'm
having visions/nightmares of this happening more and more over the next few
months. Which may not happen - this could be a one time thing. But what if it's
not? Working at a job where I stand on my feet for 8-9 hours a day isn't really
ideal when the only thing my body wants to do is give out. But the job market
sucks, and to find a job where I can still make enough money to pay rent and my
other expenses and try to save for next year... wow. It just feels like a lot.
And I REALLY want to put in a full year as manager, if only for the sake of
being able to put it on my resume and not look like a failure or a quitter.
That being said, I know that my health has
to come first. I guess I have some looking and thinking to do.
------------
As most of you know at the start of the
year I left my job at the Running Room after four years there. There were a few
reasons as to why I made the departure, but my health played a very large part
- more than have been willing to admit when it comes up with friends. And it
really makes me sad, because as much as I don't want to admit defeat to this
disease, some things are just too much for my body to handle.
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